Don't Miss the Gospel Amongst the Verses

If you think that all the scriptures on marriage are just for the married and are not the Gospel, you're missing the point. If verses on adoption are only for those considering becoming a parent in a different way, you're missing the Gospel of our own orphanhood. The Bible does teach us how to live life under the law and to God's glory, but the Bible is not a Self-Help book. It is an I've-Been-Changed book.

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Image Bearers

Do you change how you act while you're at work? Do you feel a responsibility to behave well while you represent your employer to vendors or coworkers or customers? You bear the responsibility of your employer's image.

So do you behave differently because you bear the responsibility of bearing the image of God? Does it change how you act and treat people?

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Fear of Divorce

There's been an article going around (I originally saw it here) about how our statistics that divorce inside the church is the same as outside is wrong. It's not 50% like it is outside the church, it's closer to 27%. Wow, right? That's still a sad number, but you'd agree it's a bit different, right?

But while we're admiring that great statistical error, ask this question with me for a moment? What has been the context you've heard that statistic provided in the most? For me, a young, single Christian adult, it's been in relation to finding the right mate. Equally yoked (which apparently means someone very much like you)! Find someone who you can serve with well! Find someone you get along with well! She has to attend the church! We don't do dating well! If we did it better, our divorce rate would be better inside the church than it is outside the church!
Recently I heard a sermon by a pastor I greatly respect, and he advised not to settle. You know what that all inspires? Fear.

Is it any surprise that the average age for marriage is getting higher and higher? Keep looking, everyone, you wouldn't want to make the wrong choice and deal with the consequences! Right??

Am I the only one who finds this counter to the spirit God calls us into? It makes us timid, not bold. It makes us fear ourselves, other people, even God (and not in the right way). We're saying that God is not sovereign over relationships, it's up to us to do the hard work to build the perfect relationship.

A lot of my friends have heard this phrase from me "due diligence." I want, and feel called, to give my best effort and perform my due diligence. So am I advocating throwing caution to the wind and marry whomever? Of course not. But you don't find verses of fear in the Bible about finding a spouse. In fact, there's not much in the Bible about finding a spouse, except that you find a good thing when you get one, equal yoking, and a measuring stick, if you will, of Christian character. Those are not fearful things. In fact, they're pretty simple things. Do they fear God? Are they saved the only true savior Jesus the Christ? Is he a man of integrity? Will she be a good mother? And within that, you have a bit of relativity.

You know what drives me absolutely bonkers about listening to people talk about the spouse they want to have? It's about themselves. What is the point and purpose of marriage?? My pastor described a really awesome marriage ceremony: a bride and groom holding cocked guns to each other's heads during the vows. That is the seriousness and reality of the power you're handing your spouse. And your job is to take that gun off her head and say, "You've given me the ability to wreck your life, and I choose to serve you, not pull this trigger." And dear Lord, do you hope she'll say the same thing. (Fear again, right? Marriage takes bravery!) It's not about either of you, anyway. It's about His glory. It's about showing Him honor in the way you treat her. It's about serving her the way God has served you. It's not about you! That's what I wish the church was preaching on more than the divorce rate.

How much have we watered down our covenant. When you say "I do," are you actually agreeing to a covenant? Or are you saying, "While I feel good about this, I'll hold to this." "While I'm getting what I want out of this, I'll serve her." It's not about you! And your word is worthless at that point. Do you know the legitimate reasons for divorce in the Bible?

• In the case of consistent, unrepentant immorality
• When an unbelieving spouse deserts a believer.

Even then, Jesus says God had Moses author those because "Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so." (Matt 19:8).

I have a bet as to why we don't preach or talk about that... It hurts, it's dangerous. I know friends who come from broken homes. This means their parents did something against God's plan. They see life as better because their parents broke up. "It was hell on earth with them married." Fair enough, but those are other sins that should have been address. Those sins did not justify the sin of unBiblical divorce.

You know what twinge just went through me as I wrote that paragraph? Fear of divorce. If I'm not careful, I'll marry someone who I'll want to divorce later. It's THAT programmed into me! No, not me. I fear God. He has gotten me through relationship that I'd rather run from than face and address. He didn't command me to give up, He commanded me to love them. Got a husband/father who's failing you/the family? You're not supposed to leave, you're supposed to love. Got a wife who is nagging and can't seem to get her life together? Love, don't leave. You have been empowered to love. Do you realize that? You have the Holy Spirit in you and you can face those trials. It is within you. You can either do it or fail. And when you fail, God's grace will cover. So be bold. Live and love boldly. Live in the power and station that your savior put you in through His death. Doesn't that seem more like the boldness our Biblical heroes lived in?

Or... Ya know... Fear that 50% divorce rate. If that works for you.

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I Solemnly Swear

You know what's curious to me? The concept of swearing. No, not the type of speech we have developed as a new form of punctuation. Let's take a look at the definitions.

solemn |ˈsäləm|
adjective
formal and dignified: a solemn procession.
• not cheerful or smiling; serious: Tim looked very solemn.
• characterized by deep sincerity: he swore a solemn oath to keep faith.

swear |swe(ə)r|
verb (swears, swearing; past swore |swôr| ; past participle sworn |swôrn| )
1 [ reporting verb ] make a solemn statement or promise undertaking to do something or affirming that something is the case: [ with clause ] : Maria made me swear I would never tell anyone | I swear by all I hold dear that I had nothing to do with it | [ with infinitive ] : he swore to obey the rules | [ with direct speech ] : “Never again,” she swore, “will I be short of money” | [ with obj. ] : they were reluctant to swear allegiance.
• [ with obj. ] take (an oath): he forced them to swear an oath of loyalty to him.
• [ with obj. ] take a solemn oath as to the truth of (a statement): I asked him if he would swear a statement to this effect.
• [ with obj. ] make (someone) promise to observe a certain course of action: I've been sworn to secrecy.

Sounds serious and sincere. Speaking of, let's grab those definitions too:

sincere |sinˈsi(ə)r|
adjective (sincerer, sincerest)
free from pretense or deceit; proceeding from genuine feelings: they offer their sincere thanks to Paul.
• (of a person) saying what they genuinely feel or believe; not dishonest or hypocritical.

serious |ˈsi(ə)rēəs|
adjective
1 (of a person) solemn or thoughtful in character or manner: her face grew serious.
• (of a subject, state, or activity) demanding careful consideration or application: marriage is a serious matter.
• (of thought or discussion) careful or profound: we give serious consideration to safety recommendations.
• (of music, literature, or other art forms) requiring deep reflection and inviting a considered response: he bridges the gap between serious and popular music.
2 acting or speaking sincerely and in earnest, rather than in a joking or halfhearted manner: suddenly he wasn't teasing any more—he was deadly serious | actors who are serious about their work.
3 significant or worrying because of possible danger or risk; not slight or negligible: she escaped serious injury | Haydn was Mozart's only serious rival.
4 [ attrib. ] informal substantial in terms of size, number, or quality: he suddenly had serious money to spend | a serious chocolate cheesecake.

Ok, so now that we've had our daily dose of dictionary, let's move forward. I think for me, the one that stood out the most and in a way is the root of all of that is "sincere." The act of being genuine and not dishonest (the dictionary used a double negative...).

Where do we see this used? A few things come to mind, like a courtroom. That makes sense, right? When seeking justice, we want those providing witness to be honest and genuine. We also swear in our President. Again, it would be a good thing if he's an honest and genuine guy. What about weddings? Vows are sworn oaths, right? We certainly hope that when a bride and groom get up there they mean what they say about loving and caring for each other 'til death do they part.

But am I alone in feeling like the meaning of an oath is coming up more and more empty? Our elected officials say one thing, and do another. Our marriages only last as long as we want them to. The courtroom seems to be moving more toward "empirical" evidence of video and DNA and other media. Are we not concerned that the word of man has become something we cannot depend on?

Allow me to theorize for a moment about why that is. I like my history, though I hated it in school. Give me a biography and I'm happy. Quiz me on dates and I'd rather visit the dentist. I remember reading things where people still believed that an answer they gave under oath would be held to them when they died. That's why we have the symbology of the Bible used in swearing in a witness (not always anymore) or President. It was man acknowledging that they were held to the authority of a being greater than any man. A deity who was present during the crime or statement given. Someone we could not just convince with eloquent speech or clever words. Especially in the office of the President, of which it's hard to say there is a person over him in power. We certainly hope he acknowledges that his decisions are held accountable to someone more powerful than him.

But what if we don't believe that? What if God doesn't hold us to these things? We lose our basis for speaking truth. We speak what is convenient to us. We are allowed to let the ends justify the means. We cannot trust witnesses, and therefore require the invasion of people's lives so that we have evidence beyond what was said. It really doesn't surprise us anymore when political officers lie to us. And our marriages. That one hurts me the most... I don't come from a broken home, that nice term for a family that has gone through divorce. No, I'm not against divorce, the Bible does give reasons for justifiable divorce. But when we divorce for reasons other than those in the Bible... Our oaths mean nothing. Our covenants are meaningless.

I'm guilty of saying what's convenient. I've slick-talked my way through situations to get my way. Manipulation comes to me way more easily than I would like to admit.

The Bible has a bunch of interesting examples of men giving oaths. Including some very stupid ones like Saul swearing that his men will not eat at all until they conquered their enemy (great idea, that one...) and then his son, unaware of this oath, eats some honey. God holds Saul to his oath and Israel is defeated. When Saul finds out who broke the oath, it takes the men of his army standing up for Jonathan and not letting Saul come through on his oath. Or the Jephthah giving oath that when he returned victorious to his home, he would offer up what or whomever came out his door first. That ended up being his daughter, and he came through on that oath.

Weird, crazy oaths there. But God takes them seriously. Do we?

Number 30:2 seems to be pretty clear about how God commands us to treat oaths and vows: "If a man vows a vow to the Lord, or swears an oath to bind himself by a pledge, he shall not break his word. He shall do according to all that proceeds out of his mouth."

James 5:12 builds off of that, taking it from swearing to simple "yes" and "no":

"But above all, my brothers, do not swear, either by heaven or by earth or by any other oath, but let your “yes” be yes and your “no” be no, so that you may not fall under condemnation."

For me, the greatest challenge I read in this is to be careful of my oaths, and to mean what I say. In a day and age where we'll just say what helps us get what we want, what's convenient, what people want to hear, while losing integrity and the seriousness of consequences for not holding to it... I want to stand different. But can I solemnly swear?

-DH

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But By Grace

So... Here I am, randomly writing about things... I think I've noticed a theme to what I tend to write about, and that's fear. Fear that I've dealt with. Fear that invades my life. Fear of almost anything except what I should truly fear. I'm telling you, one day I'll write about dentists! But why this blog? Why this writing?
First, let me explain that I am no one in particular. I haven't gone to seminary, I'm not a big shot, big-wig who's leading hundreds of employees. In fact, I have just about nothing to claim to my name. I have a bachelors of science in information technology, that's kinda cool, right? Admit it, it just makes you feel more sorry for the fact that I'm hosting this on Blogger.
I guess part of me wants to speak up to some of the things we don't seem to talk to a lot. Or things we just don't want to address. And for those who know me, it might come as a shock but I'm not always that extroverted. It's true, I love to be around people. I am happiest when those around me are taken care of. But I'm continuing to grow in learning how to open up and engage with people without falling back to focusing on myself as a safe zone. So bringing up these topics, especially when they might feel pointed at someone, is not something I do easily. This is a place I hope to write up some of my thoughts and "practice," if you will, expressing what I understand.
One of the things I'm already battling in my head is that this is just turning into a "whine and complain to the world" blog. I've already written several posts about "don't do this!" and the attitude is that I'm speaking to the audience as if I do this or understand this, and they need to get their act together. Maybe I need to adjust my writing style a bit, I'm still trying to figure that out. Mostly because these are a bit of a collection of thoughts to myself. "Daniel, stop doing this!" "Daniel, you know better." "Daniel, remember that blog post you wrote?..." There isn't a thing I've written here yet that doesn't apply to me just as much as I'd encourage and challenge someone else with it.
Lastly, I think we need to do better. I'm not a perfectionist. The blog title means "but by grace," and I know that we all need grace. But I want to try to live life boldly. In a way that is dependant on Him and His grace. I will fail. I have. But instead of sitting quietly trying to keep from needing grace (impossible), I'd rather step out boldly and live my faith, knowing when I fail, He is there to catch me. If you read this, I hope it inspires you to live boldly too. If nothing else, know you're not alone in these thoughts.

-DH

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Weary Soldier

I don't think we respond to people well when it comes to how busy they are. I've heard the sermons about how we've made idols of work and friends and family. I get that we can easily misplace our priority. I'm guilty of it, that's how I know. But what has captured my attention is how people have come to respond to people who express weariness. Most responses I've heard to that float somewhere around, "well gee, no wonder! You're so busy! You should pull back, or take a break, etc."
I love these people. I believe they truly mean well with these words, but they rarely help me. I mean, granted, by the time that I'm ready to verbally express that I'm exhausted, I'm probably showing that my judgement is lapsing... But do you really think that I haven't thought about the idea to just slow down? I'm glad you're giving me your approval to do so, but was that really what I was asking for?
A friend mentioned something the other day, and it just confirmed my worry: we're under spiritual attack. I can give you many examples of times I've stepped up to do what I know is good and right and I come under heavy fire. I'm convinced that there's a force out there not happy with the idea of us doing good. Screwtape Letters, anyone? Let me try to illustrate my point.
We have a young soldier... He's deep in the trenches of the war. He's taken the brave risk upon him of pushing the front line forward, hoping this surge will allow other allies to push forward and advance the line. The enemy is all around, firing everything they have at this young man. One dark hour passes. Another one. Round after round of piercing explosions around him. Shot after shot, he pops up from his fortification and fires to keep the enemy at bay. Finally an ally, a friendly face dives into the trench next to him. "I'm glad you're here!" he yells, "I'm exhausted. They just won't stop firing!"
Ok, so how should the ally respond? How does "Hey, I'm glad you've been fighting so strongly! You've really advanced our line! Now how about you sit back and take it easy for a bit," sound? Especially if this is a hit and run, and the ally jumps out of the trenches and moves on? Do you think the enemy is going to hold up and let this man take a respite? Is that their goal? What was the purpose of the communication from the young man anyway?
If you don't like the war analogy, feel free to swap in a firefighter, police officer, and just about any other first responder. Occupations that all have an inherent pressure to them.
How about another scenario and profession? This time we have a young mother. Several years into a happy marriage, with two little kiddos. Toddlers are hard work. One needs changed and the other is trying to see how many crayons they can fit in the DVD player. Oops, was that the juice bottle that he just tipped over the laptop? And here comes her husband...
"Hey Honey, how was your day?"
"Exhausting! I feel like my day was spent running around ALL DAY!"
Queue critical question again: what is the proper response?
"Well dear, I really appreciate the work you've been doing. Mothering is hard! Why don't you just slow down? Take a rest?"
Just a clue... If you want to stay married, don't say this. At least, not this alone. I'll get back to that, first the questions. Why do you think she is expressing like she is? Did she need his permission? Does the enemy (which is not the kids, just FYI) want to allow this young mother who is influencing the next generation so strongly a chance to rest?
Can you see in these two examples how hollow this canned response is? And here's what I noticed about this trait: it's the same thing we do with people who are grieving. You just lost a loved one? It's ok, they're in a better place now. Broke up? It's ok, there's more fish in the sea. Instead of acknowledging where these people are, it's brushing them off and letting yourself feel like you've done your deed of interaction. I'm not sure it can be boiled down to this, but it seems like the root is laziness. Or avoidance of awkwardness. To sit and listen about someone's situation takes work. And there's also a possibility of being asked to step in.
And we all hate that, don't we? If I stop and listen, there's a good chance you're going to ask me to do something for you. "I appreciate the hard work you've been doing all day taking care of the kids! Let me watch over them for a bit while you clean yourself up and take a breather." "This barrage is intense. Here's some extra ammo. You stay down while I engage the enemy for a bit." (Those are responses to the two different scenarios in reverse order, just for clarification, not both in response to the mother...)
The other night I was working with one of my favorite ministries, and as usual, I'm watching to see how we can serve those who come through our doors best... Noticing that we're low on chairs and we have more people coming in, I leave my position, knowing that it's stable enough for me to set up a few extra chairs. Well, that was my plan, at least. A good friend saw me start toward this, saw what I had seen, and stopped me. She motioned that she saw what I had seen, and that she would take care of setting up the chairs. She didn't wave me off. She didn't say, "Get back to your position, everything is fine." She acknowledged the same problem I saw and undertook it herself, allowing me to stay at my assigned position, and everyone served extremely well. I still smile at this example. That's the heart of service, the synergy of teamwork, fighting along the front lines together.
I don't think people are expressing their exhaustion just looking for approval of slowing down. If they're smart enough to be doing the job in the first place, they're probably smart enough to know when to rest if they need to. But in a war, teamwork is needed, and sometimes that means stepping up and standing alongside a weary soldier.

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