But while we're admiring that great statistical error, ask this question with me for a moment? What has been the context you've heard that statistic provided in the most? For me, a young, single Christian adult, it's been in relation to finding the right mate. Equally yoked (which apparently means someone very much like you)! Find someone who you can serve with well! Find someone you get along with well! She has to attend the church! We don't do dating well! If we did it better, our divorce rate would be better inside the church than it is outside the church!
Recently I heard a sermon by a pastor I greatly respect, and he advised not to settle. You know what that all inspires? Fear.
Is it any surprise that the average age for marriage is getting higher and higher? Keep looking, everyone, you wouldn't want to make the wrong choice and deal with the consequences! Right??
Am I the only one who finds this counter to the spirit God calls us into? It makes us timid, not bold. It makes us fear ourselves, other people, even God (and not in the right way). We're saying that God is not sovereign over relationships, it's up to us to do the hard work to build the perfect relationship.
A lot of my friends have heard this phrase from me "due diligence." I want, and feel called, to give my best effort and perform my due diligence. So am I advocating throwing caution to the wind and marry whomever? Of course not. But you don't find verses of fear in the Bible about finding a spouse. In fact, there's not much in the Bible about finding a spouse, except that you find a good thing when you get one, equal yoking, and a measuring stick, if you will, of Christian character. Those are not fearful things. In fact, they're pretty simple things. Do they fear God? Are they saved the only true savior Jesus the Christ? Is he a man of integrity? Will she be a good mother? And within that, you have a bit of relativity.
You know what drives me absolutely bonkers about listening to people talk about the spouse they want to have? It's about themselves. What is the point and purpose of marriage?? My pastor described a really awesome marriage ceremony: a bride and groom holding cocked guns to each other's heads during the vows. That is the seriousness and reality of the power you're handing your spouse. And your job is to take that gun off her head and say, "You've given me the ability to wreck your life, and I choose to serve you, not pull this trigger." And dear Lord, do you hope she'll say the same thing. (Fear again, right? Marriage takes bravery!) It's not about either of you, anyway. It's about His glory. It's about showing Him honor in the way you treat her. It's about serving her the way God has served you. It's not about you! That's what I wish the church was preaching on more than the divorce rate.
How much have we watered down our covenant. When you say "I do," are you actually agreeing to a covenant? Or are you saying, "While I feel good about this, I'll hold to this." "While I'm getting what I want out of this, I'll serve her." It's not about you! And your word is worthless at that point. Do you know the legitimate reasons for divorce in the Bible?
- In the case of consistent, unrepentant immorality
- When an unbelieving spouse deserts a believer.
Even then, Jesus says God had Moses author those because "Because of your hardness of heart Moses allowed you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so." (Matt 19:8).
I have a bet as to why we don't preach or talk about that... It hurts, it's dangerous. I know friends who come from broken homes. This means their parents did something against God's plan. They see life as better because their parents broke up. "It was hell on earth with them married." Fair enough, but those are other sins that should have been address. Those sins did not justify the sin of unBiblical divorce.
You know what twinge just went through me as I wrote that paragraph? Fear of divorce. If I'm not careful, I'll marry someone who I'll want to divorce later. It's THAT programmed into me! No, not me. I fear God. He has gotten me through relationship that I'd rather run from than face and address. He didn't command me to give up, He commanded me to love them. Got a husband/father who's failing you/the family? You're not supposed to leave, you're supposed to love. Got a wife who is nagging and can't seem to get her life together? Love, don't leave. You have been empowered to love. Do you realize that? You have the Holy Spirit in you and you can face those trials. It is within you. You can either do it or fail. And when you fail, God's grace will cover. So be bold. Live and love boldly. Live in the power and station that your savior put you in through His death. Doesn't that seem more like the boldness our Biblical heroes lived in?
Or... Ya know... Fear that 50% divorce rate. If that works for you.
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